Email sent to members on Wednesday 1st July 2026. Zoom details redacted for security.
Dear UCU members,
First, please remember today’s members’ meeting at 11.30 a.m. If there is a new, improved offer by management resulting from this morning’s dispute resolution meeting, we will hold another vote. The Zoom details are as follows:
REDACTED
Second as part of our campaign to defend jobs and working conditions at the University of Nottingham, we will be sending regular emails, authored by different UCU members, examining key elements of management’s restructuring plans. Today we have another, more light-hearted intervention. Feel free to share this post with non-UCU members in your area.
A Bold New Era for Nothingham United FC
By Nigel Stratton-Worthington, Senior chief football strategist.
At Nothingham United FC, we have always believed that football clubs must look beyond the narrow, outdated objective of winning football matches. While some organisations remain trapped in twentieth-century thinking, obsessing over league position, trophies, player recruitment and other legacy metrics, we have embraced a modern vision focused on sustainability, transformation and property acquisition.
This journey began with our landmark purchase of the Central Plaza Retail Complex. Critics questioned why a football club with an existing club shop, a successful online store, and merchandise sales across multiple channels would require a large city-centre retail development. The answer is simple: Vision.
Unfortunately, after purchasing the complex and investing heavily in renovations, club-branded décor, executive suites, strategic consultation exercises and a state-of-the-art stakeholder engagement atrium, we discovered that we had rather less money than anticipated. Some observers have described the resulting £65 million loss as “catastrophic.” We prefer the term “transformational.”
Indeed, the true measure of leadership is not avoiding expensive mistakes but responding boldly once they have occurred. Consequently, the Board commissioned a comprehensive review of club operations. This revealed a troubling statistic: our Spectator-to-Staff Ratio (SSR) was below target.
Naturally, this finding demanded immediate action. Some traditionalists suggested increasing spectator numbers. Others proposed improving team performance. A few extremists even advocated investing in players. However, careful analysis demonstrated that reducing staff numbers would be significantly easier.
Accordingly, we have launched Project Lean Pitch. The principle is straightforward. Every employee contributes equally to football operations. Whether an individual is a first-team striker, goalkeeper, groundskeeper, academy coach, bus driver or tea-room assistant, each count as precisely one member of staff. This robust methodology allows us to identify efficiencies wherever they exist. Importantly, senior management have been excluded from consideration. As the review concluded, strategic leadership is critical to the future success of the club and therefore cannot be reduced. The same regrettably cannot be said for centre-backs.
Following extensive modelling, we have determined that the optimal football squad consists of eight players. This represents a significant efficiency gain over the previous, wasteful eleven-player model. While some have raised concerns regarding FIFA regulations, positional coverage and basic geometry, we believe these objections reflect an outdated attachment to conventional football thinking. Indeed, our modelling shows that fewer players will create exciting opportunities for innovation, agility and personal resilience. Each remaining player will gain valuable experience covering multiple positions simultaneously. This aligns perfectly with our commitment to professional development.
The financial savings generated through these measures will enable investment in several strategic priorities. Most notably, we are delighted to announce plans for a new Executive Wellness and Leadership Medical Centre. The facility will feature private treatment rooms, a strategic recovery suite, leadership resilience pods and an inspirational glass atrium celebrating our transformation journey. Healthy leadership is vital during periods of change.
As for supporters concerned about the future of the first team, I would encourage them to focus on the bigger picture. Football matches come and go. League tables fluctuate. Relegation is temporary. But retail property acquisitions, strategic transformation programmes and executive wellness infrastructure create lasting value. That is why Nothingham United FC remains committed to delivering sustainable excellence for generations to come. Results on the pitch are, of course, only one measure of success. And fortunately, not one we plan to monitor.
On behalf of the Branch Committee
